You're out with your boyfriend and it's the end
of the meal, the check comes and he grabs it and pays, again. In an age where
people seem to fluctuate between new world ideals and old world values, it can
be difficult to figure out how to act or react to your boyfriend is paying for
everything. It may seem like a sensitive subject but it doesn't have to be too
complicated. You can figure out where you stand on the issue, and then learn
how to show your appreciation or make alternate agreements.
Figuring Out Where You Stand
(1)
Evaluate how you feel.
Take
some time and check in with yourself about how you feel when he pays for
everything. There is a chance that if you're reading this article, you might be
uncomfortable with it for one reason or another. Know that there is no right or
wrong way, only how you feel about it. Ask yourself why you are okay with it or
why you are not.
·
Do you like feeling
pampered or spoiled by him?
·
Are you concerned that
he's paying for everything when he doesn't have the money to do so?
·
Do you worry he feels
obliged or obligated for some reason?
·
Does it bother you
when he refuses to let you pay for something, or even split the cost in half?
·
Does he offer to pay
because he thinks that you cannot afford to pay?
·
Do feel obligated to
him or like you have to acquiesce to his requests because he pays? This can
include any impacts to your physical relationship or the control of the
relationship.
·
Do you think he pays
to show off?
2
Consider where your
relationship is. Think about
where you are in the relationship and why he might be doing this. Have you just
started dating? Or are you just “seeing each other” and haven't made it
exclusive yet? If so, he may be paying for everything to impress you or because
everything is new. Maybe you two just have different attitudes towards
money. If you have been dating for a while and he's always paid, maybe he
feels like he has to keep paying or maybe it's time to revisit how you manage
finances as a couple.
3
Talk to him to find
out why he always pays.
The one real way you can truly understand why he might be paying for everything
and how he feels about it, is to ask him. It may be something that is really
important to him or he may feel like he has to, to impress you. Money can be a
sensitive topic so make sure it's a conversation you have carefully and calmly.
·
Open the topic. ”Hey,
I've noticed when we go out, you always pay. Don't get me wrong, I love being
spoiled by you! I was just wondering if that's something you like doing or
something you feel like you have to do.”
·
If you are afraid you
are missing out on certain dates or trips because he doesn't have enough money
to pay for both of you, and doesn't want you to pay anything, let him know. “I
just don't want us to miss out on things because you feel like you have to pay
all the time. I can pay sometimes too.”
4
Remind him he does not
have to pay for everything just to impress you. Maybe you have just started out dating
each other, or maybe he set up an expectation he feels like he needs to uphold.
He may feel like he has to pay for everything to impress you or continue to
impress you. Let him know that is not the case, or remind him of it
periodically.
·
“You know I care about
you, whether you take me out or whether we are just at home.
·
"Just so you
know, I'm impressed by you not your money.”
·
Tell him other things
that impress you about him that do not include him paying for things.
5
Tell him if you don't
like it. If your
boyfriend paying for everything bothers you, let him know. It is important to
keep open and honest communication in your relationship. Try and pick a time
where you are both calm to talk about it. Avoid attacking him or appearing to
blame him, but rather explain your side of things. Use "I" or
"me" statements to keep the focus on how you are feeling, and have
the goal be finding a solution.
·
“I feel like maybe you
think I can't take care of myself, or take care of you.”
·
"I'd really like
to pay for myself once and awhile. It's important to me."
·
"It makes me feel
like things are not equal between you and me. How can we fix that?"
LETTING
HIM PAY
1. Thank him when he pays.
If you have decided
that you are okay with him paying, then the first step is to thank him when he
does. Appreciate the fact that you have a loving boyfriend who wants to treat
you. Be specific and make sure you are thanking him for whatever experience he
gave you. Try saying something like the following:
·
”Thank you for dinner.
That was the most delicious lasagna I've ever had!”
·
”Tonight was great.
Thank you. I'm so glad you were there; that movie was scary!”
·
”I can't believe I got
to see my favorite band! I'm going to remember this forever. Thank you!”
2
Tell him he doesn't
have to. Even if you have
talked about it and you have decided that you are okay with him paying for
everything, make sure he knows he doesn't have to. Every once and awhile tell
him he doesn't always have to pay. This way, as you go forward in your
relationship he'll know it's okay if he has to cut back or stop at some point
due to financial difficulties. He'll know that it is something he can talk to
you about and not feel embarrassed.
3
Reciprocate. If he likes taking you out to treat you,
find your own ways to treat him or make him feel special. If you are good at cooking or baking,
make a meal or dessert for him on special occasions. If you are artistic, you can create
something especially for him. You can also do an activity with him you don't
normally do, like watching a sports match or game. Just spend a little extra time and
effort making sure he feels valued, as well.
·
You should not feel
obligated to do anything in return for your boyfriend taking you out. Whatever
you do, make sure you are comfortable with it and that it comes from a place of
wanting to do it, not feeling like you have to.
4
Revisit the
conversation about it to avoid arguments. As a way to keep up on the maintenance of your
relationship make sure you talk about the money issue from time to time. If you
notice that there are little arguments popping up about who pays for what, or
if you notice he is getting stressed out about paying for things, it's probably
time to talk.
·
Open up the topic.
”Hey, is everything okay? You seem stressed.”
·
Change plans for the
evening. “We don't have to go out tonight. How about we stay home and I'll whip
something up?”
·
Remind him that you
are in this together. “You know you can talk to me about anything. I know we
just want each other to be happy.”
MAKING
A DIFFERENT AGREEMENT
1
Offer to pay. If you have decided that you are not
okay with him paying, and you have talked about it, then the first step is to
start changing the behavior. The next time you are out, offer to pay the bill.
He may be paying all the time because you haven't offered to pay. Since you two have talked about it and
how you feel about it, there shouldn't be any arguments. Try being lighthearted
about it, keeping your tone bright and cheery.
·
”Nope! My turn!”
·
”Hey, you've covered
like the last 10 meals. I'm paying tonight.”
·
If he takes out his
wallet, ”Uh-uh, put it away mister. Tonight is on me.”
2
Split the bill down
the middle. Another way to change
it up is to offer to split the bill in half or to “go dutch” (each person
paying for what they ordered) with the bill. It doesn't need to be a big deal;
just let him know that you'd like to pay for yourself once in a while, starting
with this bill.
·
An alternate way is to
split the bill by items. Instead of splitting in half or for what you have
ordered make an agreement to split up by parts. For example, if he pays for
dinner then you pay for drinks and dessert. If you are going to the movies, he
can pay for the tickets and you pay for drinks and popcorn.
3
Pay for alternate
dates. You can also
take turns with who pays for what dates. This works well with friends, too. If
he pays for dinner one night, the next time you go out, you pay. Then the next
date you have he pays, and so on, back and forth. This is a good way to evenly
split the responsibility of paying without having to do check math every time
the bill comes.
4
Go on inexpensive or
free dates. If you are
uncomfortable with him paying for everything, but you can't come to an
agreement about it, then just plan for dates that are very inexpensive or free.
There are tons of fun, low key things you can do that are cost effective. This
way, you still get to date and have fun, without the stress of figuring out who
is going to pay or worrying about getting into an argument about it.
·
For example, you and
your boyfriend could go hiking or biking at a local park, take a trip to the
beach, go to a free outdoor concert in your community, or stay in for a movie
night.
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