This can be difficult when you’re in a relationship with
someone in the military. These months away from one another will test the
strength of your relationship. It definitely won’t be easy, but there are a
variety of ways you can manage. Prepare ahead of time for deployment, carving
out expectations. Communicate with your partner as much as you can while he or
she is away. Try to keep busy on your end, and look into ways to manage
emotionally in your partner's absence.
OUTLINING A PLAN
1
Start to talk about your plan for deployment. Before
the deployment starts, you and your partner need to sit down and develop a
plan. You'll need to talk about how the two of you will manage your time, seek
support, and cope during deployment.
·
The two of you need to help one another plan on how to manage.
For the person being deployed, this means focusing on the mission, seeking
support from other soldiers or military officials, and managing stress
overseas. For the person staying home, this means fostering support at home,
staying busy, and managing feelings of stress or anxiety when communication is
limited.
·
Try to have as honest and open a conversation as possible. Both
of you should feel free to express your feelings, good or bad, about the
impending separation. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal when faced
with a long separation.
·
Make time to spend alone and talk. Spend some one-on-one time at
home together communicating. If you have children, hire a sitter for the night
so you and your partner can talk.
2
Figure out a plan for emergencies. In the
event of an emergency, you need to have an action plan. How will you contact
one another? Who at home should be on call to help handle emergencies? These
are questions you should answer before deployment.
·
If you're staying at home, know the quickest way to get ahold of
your partner. You should also have someone on call, like a friend or family
member, that can help you through emergencies while your partner is away.
·
If you're leaving, know how your partner will be contacted in
the event something happens to you. Talk to your partner about how you'll
provide support from a distance in the event there's an emergency at home.
3
Talk about when and how often to communicate. Establishing
groundwork for communication is important during deployment. You and your
partner should have a game plan in mind in regards to how and how often you'll
communicate.
·
There are a variety of options for communication during military
deployment. A phone is not always available, but things like e-mail, instant
messaging, video chat, or regular mail are all options.
·
If possible, setting aside a single day of the week to try and
talk through a phone or video call may be helpful. If your deployment is fairly
routine, you may know when you'll have access to a computer or phone. You can
promise to call or video chat around a specific time during those days.
·
You should also discuss what to do when communication is
difficult. There may be times in deployment where access to things like
telephones and computers is limited. Talk about what to do during these times.
You can agree, for example, to resort to snail mail if necessary.
4
Figure out a support system for both of you. You want
to make sure both you and your partner have emotional support during
deployment. It's a good idea to help one another form support networks prior to
the beginning of deployment.
·
For the party leaving, support may involve other soldiers or
military members. You may also want to talk about other people you can
communicate with long distance. In addition to being close with your partner,
you probably have friends and family members that you have a close bond with.
You should be able to rely on these people for support during deployment.
·
If you're staying at home, you and your partner should figure
out who you'll lean on. Talk about the family members and friends you'll have
while your partner is away. You may find your partner's friends and family
members can provide support during your deployment as well.
COMMUNICATING DURING DEPLOYMENT
1
Figure out your partner's language of love. It can be
hard to provide support from a distance. Figuring out your partner's language
of love can help you figure out the best way to help him or her feel secure. A
person's language of love is how that person best feels supported and cared
for. People respond best to different types of support and comfort.
·
Some people prefer words of affirmation to feel loved.
Statements like, "I miss you" and "I love you" are helpful.
If your partner seems to rely on words, try writing long letters and e-mails
expressing how much you care.
·
For some, actions are more important than words. People may feel
supported if their partner shows they care through kind gestures, or sends
gifts. If your partner prefers actions, you can send him or her care packages,
make video messages, or periodically send gifts.
·
Unfortunately, some languages of love are harder to cater to
from a distance. Some people prefer physical touch and quality time to feel
secure. This presents a challenge during deployment. However, you can try to
help by telling your partner how much you miss his or her touch, and how you
wish your partner was with you just to watch television together on a rainy
night.
2
Send care packages, if possible. If you're
able to send care packages to where your partner is deployed, do so. A care
package is a great gesture that can help your partner feel secure.
·
Include photos, treats, and small sentimental objects. Be
creative. If your partner has a sense of humor, include a funny card or note.
·
It can also be cute to send "coupons" for when your
partner gets back. Something like, "Free for one good back rub" or
"Free for a fancy dinner out." This can help give your partner
something to look forward to when he or she returns.
·
Make sure you check military regulations before sending out a
care package. During deployment, there may be certain items that are banned.
3
Avoid miscommunication in text. During
deployment, you and your partner may be communicating through e-mail and text
messages a lot of the time. Without verbal cues to help a person read emotions,
miscommunication can be a problem. It's easy to misread text, reading benign
words as angry. Work on finding ways to make sure your partner is able to
understand you when face-to-face communication is not possible.
·
Pause before you send an e-mail or text. Read your words and
think about any ways they may be misinterpreted. Could you read anger into this
message? Frustration? Jealousy? If so, see if there's a way to reword or add an
emoticon to make it clear this is a friendly message. For example, "I
couldn't sleep without you last night" could be read as resentment, as in,
"I'm disappointed you're not here." Instead, you could write, "I
miss and love you so much that I couldn't sleep without you last night.
<3"
·
On your own end, remember you can never be 100% certain of
intent when communication comes in writing. If you receive something from your
partner you worry is angry or upset, try to remind yourself how common
miscommunication is during these situations. Take some time to calm down, and
then return the message asking, politely, for clarification if you feel you need
it. For example, "I miss sleeping next to you too. Just to be clear, as I
know it's easy to misread e-mails, you're not mad I'm gone, right? Just
checking. :)"
4
Keep one another informed on day-to-day happenings. Hearing
about one another's daily lives will help you and your partner feel close.
Share day-to-day happenings when you have the chance, even things that feel
silly or trivial. Talk about your trip to the grocery store or who you ran into
at the gym. This will make your partner feel like he or she is there with you.
5
Find creative ways to provide long distance support. E-mails,
phone calls, and texts are a nice way to stay in touch. However, try to get a
little creative as well. Your partner will feel valued if you think of fun,
unconventional ways to communicate during deployment.
·
Make a scrapbook for when your partner gets back, detailing what
happened when he was away. Scan images of the scrapbook and send them to your
partner.
·
E-mail your partner snippets of songs or clips from movies that
have sentimental meaning to the two of you.
·
Use smell as a memory. Smell is strongly linked to memory, so
sending your partner a small container of a shampoo you use can provide him or
her a small reminder of you.
·
Read the same book together from a distance. This will help the
two of you feel close, and give you something to discuss when your partner
returns.
KEEPING BUSY
1
Keep a journal. Journaling can be a great
way to process your thoughts while your partner is away. You can also easily
keep a journal if you're deployed. Write in a journal a few times a week,
chronicling your thoughts and emotions regarding your partner's absence. When
you and your partner are reunited, share some of the most heartfelt sections of
your journal with your partner.
2
Explore your own interests. While distance is
difficult, it can sometimes provide the opportunity for self-exploration and
personal growth. While your partner is away, take this as a chance to explore
some of your own interests and passions. Join a book club. Take a cooking
class. Take up a new hobby, like running or knitting. Try to make the most of
the time you have alone to better get to know yourself and your interests.
·
If you're deployed, it may not be difficult to keep busy. A
particularly active deployment should keep your mind engaged. However, some
deployments are less hectic than others. While it may be hard to, say, join a
cooking class when deployed, you can look into solitary pursuits. You can try
reading and writing, for example. Try to explore subjects that interest you by
reading books on these subjects during your spare moments away.
3
Find a support network. During your separation, you
and your partner should both have access to healthy support networks. People
are social by nature, and even if your partner is gone you need people you can
reach out to.
·
If you're being deployed, do not hesitate to get close to your
fellow soldiers. Open up to them about your struggles and stress, and talk
about how you're managing your long distance relationship.
·
If you're staying at home, reach out to friends and family
members. You should also reach out to your partner's friends and families.
Spending time with people close to your partner can help you feel close to him
or her from a distance.
4
Keep things in perspective. It's important to keep
things in perspective while your partner is away. Have friends and family
members you can talk to when you feel frustrated or afraid in your partner's
absence. If you know another person with a partner in the military, this person
may be able to help you keep things in perspective. While this time is
difficult, keep in mind it will not last forever. Try to keep in mind that
things are temporary, and your relationship may be stronger after your partner
returns.
·
If you're deployed, some of your fellow soldiers have probably
also left partners at home during deployment. Try to talk to fellow soldiers
about how you're feeling, and ask them for advice on how to cope. Some soldiers
have probably been deployed multiple times, and may have advice for you on how
to keep things in perspective.
MANAGING EMOTIONALLY
1
Work out issues on your end. Distance can create a lot
of insecurity in a relationship. If you have preexisting issues with insecurity
or trust, distance can intensify these feelings. Try to find ways to work on
your own insecurities.
·
Talk about your insecurities with your partner and others. While
you should not be accusatory when talking to your partner, it's okay to say
you're feeling insecure. A little reassurance can go a long way.
·
Examine your own issues with trust and insecurity. They may stem
from a previous relationship. Try to understand that, while it's normal to
worry when a partner is away, a lot of insecurity may be baseless.
2
Accept personal growth will occur while you're apart. When you
and your partner are reunited, you will both be slightly different. There is a
large chunk of time the two of you did not share, and you both may have become
more self-reliant during this time. Try to accept that, when your partner
returns, your relationship may be different than it was before. This is not
necessarily a bad thing. While you have both changed, this may be for the
better. The two of you may feel more secure in the relationship after seeing it
thrive from a distance.
3
Have realistic expectations about communication. Communication
will sometimes be difficult. Try to be understanding of this fact. There may be
times when you don't hear from your partner for a few weeks. During these
times, have others you can come to for support and care.
4
Seek professional help, if necessary. Long
distance can put a large amount of stress on a relationship. It's normal to
feel insecure, but if you feel like the stress is becoming too much, seek out a
therapist. A qualified therapist can help you work out your insecurities and
find better ways to cope with distance. You can find a therapist by asking your
regular doctor for a referral or seeing what's covered under your insurance. If
you are in school, you may be entitled to free counseling through your
university.
CREDITS: JESSICA
B. CASEY (M.A, Clinical Mental Health Counseling)
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