into perspective. Similarly, detaching during a confrontation can help you keep your cool. Lastly, if you have ended a partnership, you will need to detach gradually and for good.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
1. Check in on your boundaries. Boundaries are the restrictions you set to protect yourself. You have emotional, mental, physical, and sexual boundaries. They can be learned from parents as you grow up, or you can acquire them by hanging around people who have their own set of healthy boundaries. If you are having trouble managing your time, habits, or your emotions, you may have poor boundaries.
• If you feel overwhelmed by the feelings of others, or feel that your self-image comes entirely from other people, you need to attend to your boundaries.
• If you often say "yes" to things you don't want to do, set boundaries.
• Pay attention to your senses. Do you feel something is wrong? Do you have an unpleasant sense in your stomach or chest? This may indicate that a boundary wants to be asserted.
2
Enforce your boundaries. When you know what you want, or don't want, act. Set boundaries with yourself: a daily schedule, a refusal to accept insults. Set boundaries with others: space from arguments, a refusal to give in to pressure, a refusal to let others put their emotions on you. Say "no" when asked to do something you don't want to do.
• Choose with whom you discuss your life. If you have a parent, friend, or partner who is controlling, don't give them fodder by sharing information with them. Say you will only discuss a topic if you are given no advice (and no orders).
3
Detach to communicate your intentions. When you need to establish a boundary boundary with someone, you need to be able to communicate without worrying overmuch about their reaction. This is where emotional detachment comes in. Before you communicate, remind yourself that you are not responsible for how they feel. You have a right to set boundaries.
• You can communicate boundaries verbally or non-verbally. As a simple example, when you need someone to give you space, you might stand up, look the person in the eye, and directly state, "I need some space right now."
4
Stick to your boundaries. You may encounter initial resistance from those who are used to getting the reaction they want from you. Hold on to your convictions. Do not compromise a boundary. If you are accused of being withholding or unloving, say "I am being loving. It wouldn’t be loving for me to pretend I want something I don't."
• For example, if you set boundaries with an elderly parent you care for who is verbally abusive with you, your parent may stop that behavior once he or she sees that you will not tolerate it.
5
Have a backup plan. Detach emotionally from the expectation that your boundaries will be respected. If you are unable to communicate boundaries to someone, or if you communicate boundaries and they are not respected, take charge of them. Set consequences for violated boundaries: say "if you call me names, I will leave the room. If you go through my phone, I will feel violated and I will tell you exactly how I feel."
• If someone in your life is abusive or unable to control his or her own anger, enact your boundaries without communication.
• Take the space you want. Leave if a confrontation is brewing.
• Put up physical barriers to things you don't want violated. Set a password on your computer and phone, for instance.
• If you are a caretaker for a parent who won't respect your boundaries, try hiring someone else to take care of your parent until both of you can calm down and reach a better understanding.
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